Ramblings

Yay? (Paradise)

2004-04-12T15:25:00.000+08:00

Finally got confirmation from aceglobal that iccp has gauranteed that I will get a placing in the campUSA programme. Unfortunately, they cannot provide details as to where I'll be going, when I'll be leaving or what kind of camp I'll be going for... so keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be somewhere fun! keke! Anyhow, will be forking out more money for the USA Visa on Wednesday. Everything's so expensive. Plane tickets too, it seems.

On a side note, found this interesting Meat Loaf (he sang 'I would do anything for love') song written by his long-time collaborator Jim Steinman (he wrote "Total Eclipse of the heart among others). It's called Paradise by the Dashboard Light; read the lyrics below carefully to find out what the title really refers to (it's long, but well worth a gander). There are three parts, and the radio broadcast part is a good analogy for what many of us have gone through before.... ;=). There are also background 'sound effects' to accompany the radio broadcast too!
Although the song does end on a sour note, proving that perhaps most puppy/first loves aren't meant to last?

Paradise By the Dashboard Light

i. Paradise
Boy:

I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Parking by the lake
And there was not another car in sight
And i never had a girl
Looking any better than you did
And all the kids at school
They were wishing they were me that night

And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon! hold on tight!
C'mon! hold on tight!
Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light

Girl:

Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed

Ain't no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed

Boy:

Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed

Baby doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the radio
I've been waitin so long
For you to come along and have some fun

And i gotta let ya know
No you're never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes i got a big surprise
It'll feel all right
Well i wanna make your motor run

And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon! hold on tight!
C'mon! hold on tight!

Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light
Oh it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Paradise by the dashboard light

You got to do what you can
And let mother nature do the rest
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely --

We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go all the way tonight's the night

We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go all the way tonight's the night

We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go all the way tonight's the night

We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go all the way tonight's the night

Radio broadcast:

Ok here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going
Here, two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, there's the wind-up,
And there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go. this boy can really
Fly! he's rounding first and really turning it on now, he's not letting up at
All, he's gonna try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center, and here
Comes the throw, and what a throw! he's gonna slide in head first, here he
Comes, he's out! no, wait, safe - safe at second base, this kid really makes
Things happen out there. batter steps up to the plate here's the pitch - he's
Going, and what a jump he's got, he's trying for third, here's the throw, its
In the dirt - safe at third! holy cow, stolen base! he's taking a pretty big
Lead out there, almost daring him to try and pick him off. the pitcher glances
Over, winds up, and it bunted, bunted down the third base line, the suicide
Squeeze is on! here he comes, squeeze play, it's gonna be close, here's the
Throw, here's th
E play at the plate, holy cow, i think he's gonna make it!

Ii. Let Me Sleep on it

Girl:

Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further --!

Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me !!!?
Will you love me forever !!!?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I'll give you an answer in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I'll give you an answer in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I'll give you an answer in the morning

Girl:

I gotta know right now!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?

What's it gonna be boy?
Come on
I can wait all night
What's it gonna be boy yes or no?
What's it gonna be boy yes or no?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And i'll give you an answer in the morning
L

Girl:

I gotta know right now!!!
Do you love me?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it!!

Girl:

Will you love me forever?

Boy:

Baby baby let me sleep on it

Girl:

Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it

Girl:

Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it i'll give you an answer in the morning!! morning!!!!
I'll tell you in the morning!!!!!

Girl:

Will you take me away, will you make me your wife?

Girl:
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it

Girl:

Will you love me forever?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it

Girl:

Will you love me forever?

Iii. Praying for the End of Time

Boy:

I couldn't take it any longer
Lord i was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother's
Grave
That i would love you to the end of time
I swore that i would love you to the end of time!

So now i'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if i gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that i can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But god only knows what i can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that i can do
Praying for the end of time, so i can end my time
With you!!!

Boy:

It was long ago and it was far away
And it was so much better than it is today

Girl:

It never felt so good
It never felt so right
And we were glowing like
A metal on the edge of a knife

Sinking.

2004-04-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

Just heard that Bozo and Joe both got their placements in the campUSA programme. Am so happy for them that their long wait has been rewarded. But for myself, the wait continues. Have been told that Tuesday will be the deadline, if no placement by then, then that's it. Not quite sure how I'll take yet another blow. *sighz* Could do with a couple of months off after exams but that seems a distant dream now. Nothing seems to be going right fo rme now...

Anyway, on another note, just completed this interesting quiz which is supposed to tell you what kind of heart you possess.

Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Kindred.

2004-04-09T13:27:00.000+08:00

Have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Been meeting up with old friends, re-establishing old contacts. Three weeks and still having some sleepsless nights, lack of concentration and distubing thoughts. It's been hard being around the same friends, the same places, the same environment, because of the memories that come to mind. Maybe things will never ever be the same again. Hard to run away when there's no place to run to.

Talking to other friends has made me realise that there are other people who are experiencing, or have experienced similar problems. On more than one occassion the past week, I have had to convince friends to focus on their studies and not be distracted by other concerns, to understand that there is a future after graduation, to believe that the future is still bright. It's difficult to comfort others when you don't believe in the advice you offer. Just do as I say, don't do as I do. Can't understand why people come to me for a listening ear despite knowing what I'm going through. Or maybe it's because of what I'm going through that they come to me.

The worse experience I've had this week has been to tell a friend that suicide was really stupid, that there are things and people to live for; basically trying frantically to persuade that person not to ever go through with it again. Given the high suicide rate in SIngapore (stats here - more women attempt suicide, but more men succeed), it comes as no surprise to me to find another person who'd been pushed to the limit. When it comes to suicide, there are always underlining factors already, and there is often a trigger event which breaks the camel's back. Depression can really be a killer.

Is it ironic to find another person who had tried to end it all for similar reasons? Or just pathetic and sad? Made me remember the time an army buddy jumped to his death from an HDB flat. We all regret not having talked to him before, we all felt, and still feel even, that there was something we could have done. But it was just so sudden, and in his case, he didn't even bother to reach out to anyone. His reasons were somewhat different, and may even seem trivial to some, but we all have different triggers.

There is an old Groucho Marx joke which goes like this:
Two women order two bowls of soup at a restaurant. The first woman goes, "This soup tastes awful!". The second one then says, "And in such small portions too!"

Well that's an analogy for life; full of pain and suffering and yet everyone wants to live forever. (or at least most) They're obviously seeing something that others don't.

Waffled.

2004-04-05T13:41:00.000+08:00

Break Fast

Went for breakfast Sunday morning at round 10am with Bozo, Joe and John. Had prawn noodles at extension from the newly-opened stall. The soup was sweet but they gave very little ingredients, only 3 slices of meat, 5 thin slices of fishcake and 1.5 small prawns (they cut each prawn into half to make it look more than it actually is). Still, I suppose that's how it is everywhere nowadays. At least the soup was good, better than the older stall nearby.

Also ordered chwee kui (pardon my spelling), which tasted ordinary. The best chwee kui has a smooth texture, a hearty portion of fragrant salted vegetables and killer chilli, but this had none of those. Nonetheless, at 20c each, it wasn't too expensive, and I had 2, joe 2 and bozo 4.

The Waffle Affair

Later, was still hungry, so ordered waffles from the nearby bakery. I bought a cheese waffle (which I regretted - only had one tiny slice of kraft cheese in it) which cost $1.20. A plain waffle costs 80c, so I guess they charge 40c or 50% extra for a slice of cheese. Daylight robbery I tells ya. John ordered a chocolate (my favorite) and a peanut butter waffle, while Joe got himself a margarine waffle.

Joe noticed that his waffle was not done right (sides were crooked I think) so he asked the waffle auntie to give him another one. However, she kept saying that it was ok, and continued to apply margarine. But Joe insisted, so the auntie complained that he could have told her earlier, and she would have given the plain waffle to this lady who had ordered after us. I suppose Joe was well within his rights as a customer to ask for a new waffle, and he kept complaining to me how fucked up the service was later. The waffle auntie wasn't even considerate enough to wipe the blade of the knife on the inside of the waffle, she wiped it on the outside, so wouldn't that make your fingers dirty when you eat the waffle? I personally wouldn't have minded the crooked waffle, as it would probably have tasted the same, but I guess I'm not Joe.

The Barley Incident

Oh and I bought a packet of barley just as we left the coffeeshop, and John asked if it was water that I had ordered while we were waffle-waiting. Haha, so lame. I could've burst my sides out laughing but I didn't want to spill my water, umm i mean barley. (no offence, John!) Honestly, I don't see much humour in that comment, but i can equate in my mind how some people might find it funny. Barley looks like water (both plain, transparent colored), and it would be really strange and dumb if someone were to order a packert of water (wouldn't it?), so therein lies the humour. I guess. NOw, I'm not trying to be condescending when I say I don't 'get' this kinda humour, but it just isn't my cup of tea. Although I do join in often times and crack lamer jokes of my own, which normally fall even flatter. Hmm, I don't really tell jokes well.

Wow this is a wordy blog entry. I'm beginning to write like bozo, except that I'm less long-winded and more entertaining. I hope.

Porky's

Came back after buying waffles at 1130am and read the papers before spending most of the afternoon sleeping. Woke up at 330pm and read the first 10 pages of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, a book a friend had lent me. Then went back to sleep, but was awoken at 6pm by bozo's "dinner?" yells. I said ok, who's gng? so bozo went to check. Linc had already bought dinner for Joe and John, so we decided to join Guoxin, Kee Heng, Sengyong and friends for dinner at the hawker centre at Jurong West Ave 1. The pig trotters there were supposedly good. "Sengyong recommending Pig's Trotters is quite apt" I commented as I drove there, which led to giggles from guoxin and bozo.
keke, I'm so mean.

The strange thing we noticed when I reached the hawker centre was that the English translation of pig's trotters on the signboard read "Pig's petitetoes" (that's right, petietetoes in one word). I didn't know pigs had toes. Or that they were petite (the toes, not the pigs). Hmm. Anyway we also ordered pig's intestine soup to compliment the trotters. The trotters were good and came in sizeable portions, but I'd have preferred more fats cos I've been losing weight lately.

Everyone ordered sugar cane juice as well, and the sugar cames were kept in a fridge at the stall for some reason. Bozo commented that the canes would dry up if kept in a fridge for too long. I thought that they did it just so that the canes would be fresh. I alo mentioned that some fruits cannot be kept in the fridge at all, like bananas, which would turn black. Guoxin knew this but Bozo didn't. Shouldn't everyone know that? Guess not.

Went shopping for some groceries and fruits after dinner and guoxin and kee heng bought 11 mangoes which we shared later when we went back to hall. Skipped swimming with the guys again as I didn't really feel like it. I should start again I suppose. Have been isolating myself a bit recently, but I haven't really felt like doing much. Still feeling downish maybe.

Okie had orignally planned ot include a review of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, which I completed that night in 2hrs+ (100 pages an hour - is that fast? ~ wouldn't know, don't read much), but I've rambled long enough for today. Next time then.

Zeal.

2004-04-04T02:11:00.000+08:00

The Passion of Mee Pok

Went on a mini-movie moarathon over the weekend, catching Mee Pok Man on Friday and Passion of Christ on Saturday. Mee Pok Man was a real waste of time, with a wafer-thin plot, undeveloped characters, all done in a slow sleep-inducing pace. I guess Eric Khoo, who happens to be the son of the richest man in singapore, is trying to be too avant-garde and arty-farty. Don't understand all the acclaim it garnered. And the actors all couldn't speak proper hokkien even. Dissapopinting.

Passion of Christ was better, but I still managed to nap through some parts cos i was really tired (weekends are sleepy) and had eaten a heavy dinner and dessert. (Claypot rice at beach road hawker centre and pineapple cheese pie at long john's). Graphic stuff... but i guess meaningful, although it didn't induce me to convert to christianity anytime soon. But the biased treatment of the jews and romans are exagerated... there were some nice jews too, like the fella who helped christ with his cross... and in the end christ forgave them all, and prayed for them, so shouldn't we too?

Deep Thoughts

Reading other people's blogs have got me thinking out loud. Firstly, treasuring someone who loves you isn't as easy as it seems. Who wants to cling on to someone who loves you, even though your feeling for that person has long gone? I have personally been in such a r/s and blindly believed that as long as the other party was happy, I'd be too. How wrong I was. There are so many ingredients that must be right before a relationship can work out long term, but both parties loving each other deeply, and sincerely, is a basic must. Too many ppl nowadays get married cos they are afraid of being alone, cos of societal or familial pressure, cos they are happy enough that they have someone who loves/worships them. That's sad but a fact.

And some things just seem more valuable when they're gone. But when you get them back, you wonder why they were of any value at all. Hence the saying "Be careful what you wish for", perhaps. That's just the cruel nature of some things.

Cognition.

2004-04-02T09:59:00.000+08:00

Am in design lab now waiting for the rest of the class to come in. Skipped the lecture part cos lectures are like, so boring. Only came for the hands-on part of lab. Anyhow showed Kee Heng my blog and told him that it was a very personal (for most - well, at least for me) online journal, and he was saying how he'd rather read other ppl's blog than write one of his own, cos he wouldn't want ppl to know that much about him.
Hmm... Voyeurism.

Well, that's probably true for most, but I have been numbed ever since I've started blogging, such that it doesn't matter how much ppl know any more. Nothing's a secret in hall, so why try to hide it? There's nothing to fear but fear itself (FDR quote, I think), so one shouldn't be too concerned about baring his or her soul. As for censorship, I am personally against it. Despite the fact that ppl think i'm over-sensitive and over-analytical, I believe that a person has the right to say what he or she believes in, and I wouldn't give a rat's ass if that includes criticism directed at me. After all, the right of the individual outweighs the right of the many (think about it).

Okie gotta go do my lab assignment now, Kee Heng bugging me, talk later.

The Gauntlet.

2004-04-02T03:05:00.001+08:00

Poor Sod.

de·pres·sion n.
The act of depressing.
The condition of being depressed.

forgiveness n.
compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
the act of excusing a mistake or offense

blame n.
The state of being responsible for a fault or error; culpability.
Censure; condemnation.

an·ger n.
A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.

hate v.
To feel hostility or animosity toward.
To detest.

distrust n.
Doubt of sufficiency, reality, or sincerity; want of confidence, faith, or reliance; as, distrust of one's power, authority, will, purposes, schemes, etc.

mel·an·chol·y n.
Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom
Pensive reflection or contemplation.

isolation n
a state of separation between persons or groups
a feeling of being disliked and alone
preference for seclusion or isolation

vin·dic·tive adj.
Disposed to seek revenge; revengeful.
Marked by or resulting from a desire to hurt; spiteful.

disillusionment n.
freeing from false belief or illusions

insanity n.
relatively permanent disorder of the mind

hope n.
An erroneous perception of reality.
An erroneous concept or belief.

Relapse.

2004-04-01T18:30:00.000+08:00

Relapse.

Solitaire.

2004-03-31T18:01:00.000+08:00

Confessions of a dangerous mind indeed.

My blog entries have been exhibiting an alarming trend. One of abysmal hopelessness, unending futality, and excrutiating despair. Just look at the titles of my blog entries from March 13 to March 31: Introspection, Jaundice, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Frazzled, Cold Turkey, Closure, Renaissance, Goodbye Everyone, Hello Everyone, Wretched, Acceptance, Fretful, Disconsolate and Sweet Dreams are made of these.

I think I have said many personal things in this blog about myself, and perhaps others which have caused a great deal of concern, especially amongst my close friends. I'm awful sorry, but my sanity is but a distant memory now. I need to find myself again but I fear I will never be the same. I used to shrug off most things around me, but now I find myself examining every nuance, every pause, every pronounced syllable, every gesture, every reaction of the people around me. It leaves you mentally drained and sleepless, but I cannot help it.

Study Hard

Have wasted yet another day at the library pacing back and forth and trying to subdue strange voices in my head. Just cannot settle down to read my notes; and when I do, I find myself drifting aimless ly to slumberland. Surely all of this will come to an end soon? Professional help I have resisted so far, although voluntary institutionalism is not as remote possibility as I once imagined. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest anyone? Maybe the inmates were the sane ones.

Anyhow was discussing with someone about the reasons for studying hard. What's the use anyway? Is there any hope when you will not get any honours? Is success in Singapore dictated by your academic standing? If so, are you already miles behind before you even start? I suppose the answer to all of those is yes, but still I told the fella to take one thing at a time, to focus on graduating on time first. Apparently I'm still lucid enough to dispense with sensible advice. "The future's gonna be bright, don't worry", I said. Now only if I could just convince myself.

Is a good degree and resultantly, a high income of such great importance? In Singapore, it would seem so, especially if your peers are all doing better than you are. But me? I believe in the simpler, less materialistic joys in life. Happiness, Love, Comfort, just being able to wake up everyday and feel how great your life is, regardless of your economic and social standing. Unfortunately, these simpler things are really a lot harder to achieve; and the caveat or the catch-22 is that the harder you try, the less likely you are to achieve these simple joys.

Seek and you shall find;
but release yourself and they shall come to you.

Sweet Dreams are made of these

2004-03-31T02:16:00.000+08:00

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am i to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas--
Everybody's looking for something.
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.

(hold your head up--keep your head up--movin' on)

I feel used and abused, lied to and spat on.
Friends indeed.
Am I paranoid? Insane? or just blind?
Don't patronize me.
Maybe I just need to take a breather somewhere far away.
Maybe I should have taken that breather while I had the chance.
Can't think straight... going totally mad.
Get a grip, get a grip. Losing it.

Disconsolate.

2004-03-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

*Sigh*

It's been two weeks and yet I'm still in a rut. Some things in life you'll never recover from, and I guess this is definitely one of them. It changes you completely, mentally, physically, emotionally. It shatters all your beliefs, your hopes, your plans, your visions and leaves you suffering endlessly from withdrawal symptoms. I know that I am the only person who can save myself and thus have tried to isolate myself as much as possible, which unfortunately can be psychologically damaging.

Rasputin, Rumplestiltskin and Repunzel

Resultantly, I realise that I am suffering from schizophrenia and clinical depression, causing me to lose focis on the important things in life, like exams and depriving me of much needed sleep. Things had gotten slightly better over the weekend, but I fear I am having the first of numerous relapses. I have begun to talk to my birthday present (not the shirt, I'm not that crazy), and he/she/it hasn't answered me so far, proving once again how bad a conversationalist I am. Or maybe it's just that lambs don't undersand English, especially the soft toy variety.

See how schizophernic I am? A paragraph on my blog can start with melancholy and end with humour. I know I have to see a doctor soon, but I am resisting drugs as of now, for I fear an addiction may arise. I sense I will soon suffer from either agoraphobia or claustrophobia (hopefully not both) as well, and my loss in appetite persists, limiting myself to 1.5 meals a day. I'm awake over 20+ hours a day and I eat only 1-2 meals a day, so I can at least be glad that I don't look too haggard. I think.

And I know what everyone else is saying. "Get the fuck over it, It's been two motherfucking weeks already, you cocksucking cunt!" Okay, maybe they didn't express themselves that eloquently. Nonetheless, the message is very clear: "Get the fuck over it, It's been two motherfucking weeks already, you cocksucking cunt!", and very literal too. All that's easier said than done. (Although that entire tirade is quite a mouthful, particularly the last bit)

Rage and Disillusionment

I think I have just skipped the next stage of my recovery, the anger bit. As much as I'd like to yell at the top of my lungs the (perceived) injustice that I felt I have suffered, I find it all pointless. However, the pain inside me remains, which is an indicator that my recovery is maybe not progressing after all. Just great.

There is a certain skepticism in me regarding relationships now. Does the hyprocracy of a perfect union lie in the perfection or the union itself? Two failed relationships and I fear many more to come. The least you can do is really give it your all, give it your entire heart, and hope for the best, hope that the other party does exactly the same, but I fear there's little heart in me left. Can the heart really grow back with time? I fear my rate of loss is too fast for me to ever really find out.

And is it realistc to expect that a relationship will end, to expect the worst, before it even begins, as some psychologists have advised? It is healthy to ground yourself when your head is in the clouds? And should you listen to your heart or mind? Is marriage nothing more than a convenient merger or transaction? I fear that I will in the future settle for less, just cos two out of three ain't bad.

I survive now on the barest of hopes.

Fretful.

2004-03-27T15:37:00.000+08:00

Overslept this morning as usual and realised I was late for my project demonstration this morning. Went down to my modulator's office and was told by him that there was no demonstration neccessary since my fyp project has no hardware or software. All that worrying for nothing. It was the same on Friday when I was fretting over the fact that my name had been crossed out fom the lab attendance sheet. Apparently I wasn't the only one, and attendance didn't really matter anyway. I worry too much.

FYP Mate

Anyway thanked my fyp partner for getting all the 150+ powerpoint slides ready for my part of the fyp presentation. Guess I owe him a lot since I never did any of the ppt slides at all. Pretty much nothing else left to do for fyp but the oral presentation after exams. Good that he agreed to do everything without probing much into what personal problems I was having, cos this was the first time in my 4 years of knowing him that I had backed out of work with such a serious excuse. (The other excuses were lamer - just kidding)

Explained what was going on to him so he'd understand I wasn't just some lazy partner. (yah, I'm a lazy partner with personal problems - heh!) I think he appreciated that explanation more than I appreciated his help, so I suppose it was good that I chose a friend as an fyp partner instead of some random fella after all. It's always dangerous to work professionally with a friend cos any misgivings may strain that friendship, but It's good to be able to rely on your fyp mate as a friend more than as a colleague.

Friends

And what exactly makes a good friend? Someone you can turn to in times of need, someone to talk to, someone who will not judge you, someone you can relate to? I suppopse it is only in times of crisis that you truly value the presence of good friends, of people who really care about you, and would go all out to make sure you're fine. It is sometimes hard to explain why they'd even bother for a chap like me, but the bottom line is they did. Gosh I hate being needy.

Some people advise against getting into a relationship with a close friend, because if the relationship doesnt work out, the friendship may be lost as well. But no one knows for sure until they do try it out. I've seldom ever really had the courage to take that risk, cos friendships are really something to treasure for a lifetime. Nothing's ever simple in life, so always expect the unexpected.

Acceptance.

2004-03-27T00:33:00.000+08:00

No doubt it's always easier said than done. Moving on, that is. You can only live a lie so long before it starts being uncomfortable for both parties. And yet, when the inevitable happens, it seems such an awful blow. Despite the fact that both parties could see it coming a mile away.

"Life is full of pleasant surprises" as soemone once mentioned, and it is in that where my last shreads of hope lie. And yet nothing is scarier than uncertainty. Would things be more palpable if everything followed a desired course? Idealism is nothing more than a figment of one's vivid imagination.

Wretched.

2004-03-26T01:57:00.000+08:00

Have been going through a couple of blue spells lately, punctuated by some of the highest of highs. I guess I just can't take the flactuations. It's a yin and yang thing, to experience the greatest of joys, there must have been the most tragic of sorrows. Maybe I'm exaggerating there. Perhaps I long for the good ol' days of mudanity and placidity, when there were less stuff and people going on around me. But there's no turning back now.

Surely there must be some light at the end of the tunnel. The future seems bleak and reality's a haze. Dreams cease to exist, only fantasies of improbable grandeur remain. And fantasies they shall forever be. But one has to survive through this and conquer his own personal demons, left dwelling in the recesses of the mind. Hope seems a lifetime away, and yet perserverance must be maintained. One must continue for the people around him, for the pleasant surprises that surely beckon. If but for himself, there would only be unfathomable abyss.

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is but a myth.

Hello Everyone.

2004-03-25T20:01:00.000+08:00

I'm back. Sorry for inconvenience caused.

Renaissance.

2004-03-23T22:49:00.000+08:00

Another year older, a new beginning.

Just celebrated birthday with Joe, Thomas, John, Zhiyang, Lichun, Guoxin, Zix and Leon. Went to eat Zhi Cha and then came back and played cai quan and 007 with the guys. Beer sucks big time. Lucky I can remain focused during the games and even caught guoxin 6 times in a row in cai quan. Poor sod. Caught Zix many times during 007 as well. Anyhow I was surprised they bought a cake and gift as well. A cute little lamb, which was nicey. I don't deserve all of that. Well I suppose I feel undeserving of friends like that as well.

My birthday really began at midnight, and I got quite a few icq wishes from my close pals. Beth came over to pass me a cute little birthday gift too, which really lifted my spirits. Guess she doesn't really hate me. Good friends forever Beth! I feel old at a quater of a century. Nothing's ever easy in life so I guess I'll take things as they come. You have many hopes and wishes, but you can't change whatever you did in the past. I have this uncanny habit of blaming myself, or taking responsibility for everything that happens to me, so that leaves me down pretty much all of the time.

Have started to sleep more lately, and have started to study as well. I'm often focused on most things I do and have been on everything lately. Perhaps that's why I took things so badly. I wonder what the future holds for me, but for now I just wish and pray for the best. The good times past in a flash and the bad times seem to take an eternity. You just have to treasure whatever you have while it's still there.

OK, I'm rambling on too much. I'll take things easy from now on. Need to give myself a break.

Closure.

2004-03-21T23:29:00.000+08:00

Yikes, what an awful week. Well it's all over now, and I'll always be thankful for the times I had with her. I'll never blame her for anything and I'll always keep good memories definitely, and I hope she will too. Thankfully I'm pretty confident I don't have to blame myself either, and like a certain someone said, at least we tried. Who would have known otherwise. "To have love and lost is better than to have never loved at all", was what a certain Lord Tennyson once said. It's cliched, but true.

I'm also pretty confident we can treat each other as friends again, just like before, although it seems she needs more time. I harbour no hard feelings nor any regrets, things just didn't work out. I can only wish her the best for all of her future endeavors, and move on myself. Life goes on for all of us. Considering the fact that I could see this coming days before, maybe I took it all too hard. But, hey, that's just me being myself.
I certainly have all my friends around me to thank for helping me through this tough period. I shan't name names, you know who you are, and I shall forever be indebted to you all.

Well, on Saturday I went out to catch the film 'Love Actually' again, which may seem like an inappropriate film to watch, considering the circumstances. But it really showed me that for a couple to truly work out, it must be mutual love from both parties. Anything less would just make it a painful experience for both. I came back on SUnday and cleaned my room and fish tank for the first time in god knows how long. Keeping myself busy helps and I will start studying on Monday.

Anyhow to all those who are worrying for me, relax, everything's fine.

Cold Turkey.

2004-03-18T07:25:00.000+08:00

Have been an awful wreck this past week. Sleepless nights of me tossing and turning, waking up intermittantly to use my pc cos I simply cannot get to sleep, has left its toll on me. Wish I could handle some things better, but this one's really got to me, for once. Maybe it's a combination of many stress factors like fyp deadlines, exams, assignments, trouble at home, my upcoming birthday, etc, but that's really no excuse. Whatever marginal hope I have left I still cling onto desperately, but I constantly fear the worse.

Zouked out

The chiong session at zouk last night was really an eye-opener for everyone else. I had two flaming lambourginis and a sex on the beach and was gone by 1am. This was the first time in 10+ chionging sessions that I had puked, probably cos I drank too much alcohol at once, and on an empty stomach too. It didn't help that the lambourginis' effect was delayed, and so I basically puked til my throat was sore, like really sore, like hydrochloric acid being poured down my throat, although I have yet to experience that (Who has?).

I literally puked litres, til my stomach was completely empty, and then I puked some more even after that. Probably caused the gastric pains I experienced at the end of it all. The fact that gastric pain runs in my family did cross my mind a bit, although I really don't think it's hereditary. My behavior shocked the helll out of everyone I feel, especially myself, but I should have foreseen it a mile away.

Thanks

I do hate patronization and pity from anyone, and well, in fact I always enjoy keeping a low profile, without anyone really giving a damn about me. But tonight I was really grateful to everyone who helped me out, which probably includes almost everyone there. I really don't feel I deserved the help from them (then again, I don't think I ever deserve anything), and am entirely grateful to their assistanceexpecially considering the fact that I haven't connected much to most people in hall in my four years here (that really boils down to my nature really).

So here goes my acknowledgement roll call: Great thanks to bozo first of course, who basically chaperoned me the entire 2+ hrs I was gone. Could see that he was bored, and he spent most of that time talking to lichun, who had stayed in hall, on the phone, until his hp batt died at 130am (which was fast!). Would I have done the same thing myself? Yeah I probably wouldn't have minded taking care of someone, which I have done a couple of times, to a lesser degree, but that's not the point anyhow. Eternally grateful to that fella.

Next up is Lichun, who comforted me several times on the phone. Folloeing her are Hongwei, John, Anson, Joe, Leon, Guoxin, Max, Danny, Hsiaowei and Ah Beng, whom I hadn't seen much of since year 1. All of them basically kept giving me the "Buddy, are you ok?" and "forget about everything" routines, which although I felt was kinda repititive, still meant a lot to me. Nice to have so many 'buddies' around me (not being sarcastic here), which I totally do not deserve (Hmm, that sounds familiar). Eternally grateful to these people too.
I hope I haven't left out anyone.

Maybe the worst thing about the whole affair is that I remember almost everything, which means that I wasn't so gone after all. Could I have controlled myself? Probably not, and it scares me to think I was behaving like a typical drunk asshole (maybe that's a little extreme), whilst knowing exactly what I was doing the whole time. At least there were plenty of people there who were worse off than me around zouk. A certain someone had told me not to drink too much and to take care of myself, neither of which I followed, but that's just how it is sometimes. Am still thankful to that certain someone.

Epilogue

Well some people have commented that some of my previous entries have been difficult to comprehend, but they've basically been writeen in a less direct way than this one. Is it strange that a quiet impersonal person like myself is able to make such private events and feelings public through this blog? Perhaps, but I feel that there's nothing to fear in being honest. And if that honesty leads to undesirable outcomes, then so be it.

What lies in store for me after this embarassing incident is really out of my hands now. I can only stay true to my feelings (Although having said that, I've done and said plenty of hurtful things that I really don't mean to). I will definitely learn from my mistakes if given a second chance. (Gosh this last paragraph is pretty direct!)

On an end note, thanks again buddies. Appreciated it.

Frazzled.

2004-03-17T04:19:00.000+08:00

The stress of fyp and exams and assignments are starting to get to all of us really. Yep, fyp's a complete waste of time, as is most of the stuff we do in NTU. We'll just have to grin and bear it really, the finishing straight is nearing and all that matters now is that we all cross it by May. Perhaps I would have been aiming for greater heights if I had been more consistent, but that's all spilt milk now. Other things dwell on my mind as well.

Can I truly blame my faux pas today on the stress? Or is it just me? I always prefer to take all the blame in personal situations, so this one isn't any different. Although I've been advised not to think that way, it's hard for me to think otherwise. And like any illness or disease, prevention is always better than any remedy or cure. (Speaking of which, I am feeling ill now from the sleepness nights I've been having. Guess I gotta see the doc tml)

Well having gone through the illness, one can only hope that it makes the person(s) stronger, and even immune to future attacks. But pessimism creeps in, and I must pray that this disease is not terminal or incurable, even though almost every bit of me has resigned to that eventuality. Patience is the only other option, although the most impatient people can be the patients suffering from the disease itself. I hope and pray for a swift resolution, but am burdened by the scars the disease may leave behind.

I just want everything to be alright and everyone to be happy as well. But maybe as Sting once wrote, "If you love somebody, set them free", so I guess everything's outta my hands now. I could try to force the issue, but that won't help much at all I feel. Different remedies must be applied to different illnesses, and perhaps this one needs no remedy at all, just time. I'm just hoping for the best now, and trying not to fuck anything else up along the way.

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

2004-03-16T05:23:00.000+08:00

I like sad songs. The lyrics can be pretty poignant at times. Take Bonnie Raitt's 'I Can't Make You Love Me' for example, below. George Michael also did a version of this song recently, but Raitt's version sounds more naked and honest.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

Jaundice

2004-03-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

Spent the weekend in NTU again cos I participated in the NTU Scrabble Open. Hadn't gone home the past two weekends, but had already promised Huimin and beth that I'd go for the NTU open. Beth came back on saturday night cos the event started early sunday morning, and so we watched bowling for columbine together that night. Michael Moore's a pretty good documentatrian, and so it was still enjoyable viewing even though I had seen it in the theatres before.

Slept late that night, my mind was preoccupied with stuff (as it always is). Tried to think happy tots, but couldn't get many. So overslept the next morning. Luckily, Huimin called me up at 9am (was supposed to be at hall8 comm hall by 830am) to tell me that she'd arrived. Andy (one of the organizers) also called up to ask me if I was coming. I told him to give me and beth (She had also overslept in her room) 10 min, we'd be down soon. Beth seemed pretty excited about participating in her first external tournament. After all, her little 13-yr-old sis, JoHanna (who's also a scrabble enthusiast) was coming down to watch later. I told beth to do well so as not to disappoint JoHanna.

NTU Scrabble Open

Played Yen Nee first match. Was lucky and had slightly better tiles. Bingoed 'otarine' under her 'join' (forming joint), and picked up an x the next draw to score under the dws (double word score) for 36 pts. Easier to play when in the lead so basically kept scoring consistantly to maintain the lead. Yen Nee later phonied 'biolites' which I challenged off. Had easier words like lobbiers which scored less and slobbier at the triple lane which she wasn't sure of. Her confidence fell after that and when she bingoed 'alienee' for 61 points to catch up with me I replied with 'untamed' for 89 points down the triple lane she had opened. Good start.

I realised after the first game that I was the bottom-ranked player in my category based on my ratings, which had dropped a lot. So basically was almost certain of my ranking going up after this tourney. Was hoping it would drop actually, so I could play in the Open or Intermediate category. Sigh.

Second Game I was up against Quek. Despite his experience and word knowledge, he was always prone to errors. Played an open game with him and ended up winning 480-405. He felt the turning point came when I challenged off his 35 pt 'fauvest' which otherwise would have blocked my 39-pt 'ritz'. But the the real turning point was probably when i bingoed 'brakemen' down the triple with the k on the double-letter spot to open a 143-pt lead. Had an option of playing 'remakers' elsewhere but wasn't sure of it (it's good), so looked for a word starting with 'b'. Had seen brakemen once or twice before on wordbiz. The 115 points I scored for brakemen ended up being the highest scoring word of the tourney. (No prizes for that though)

Third game played Gan Cher Siong. Game was neck-to-neck right til the end, when we both bingoed on our penultimate moves. Unfortunately, Gan outted first and won the game, 392-383. Small losses are the hardest to take I feel. 4th game was against Kathik, who despite his high ranking, wasn't too sure of his threes. True enough, I challenged of his 'wek' to open a small lead whcih carried me to victory, 374-306.

5th game was against Cheah, who is ranked 2nd in SIngapore. Was lucky against him to score a 107-point bingo with 'equines' early on, so spent the latter half of the game closing the board and keeping a good rack. Eventually won 434-344 to gab the biggest 'upset' of the tourney so far. At this point I was ranked a lofty 2nd place in the standings, which also meant, however, that I had to play the toughest opponents the rest of the way.

Played JP the next game and played very badly, despite getting both blanks the first time this tourney. SHould have opened up earlier on, and scored more consistantly in the beginning. Still, the relatively small 303-369 loss meant that I was still in 2nd place.

Went on to lose the next 2 games against Gan and Tony, the top-ranked player in Singapore, to finish a disappointing 8th. Tiredness crept in at the end, and my state of mind was also harshly affected. ANyhow in the other division, Beth finished a promising 5th spot, just missing out on prize money. JoHanna had arrived just after lunch, and was awed by the strange words we were playing. Went JP for dinner at the Muslim food court with beth, hanna, tps and des.

Back in my room

Returned to my room after dinner to coach hanna against beth. hanna kept asking me to call her Johanna cos only her family calls her hanna. I wanted to call her anna or anne instead cos Johanna is such a mouthful. Anyhow she showed much potential, but still needed some brushing up. Spoke about the inter-high-school tournament at Ghim Moh sec this coming saturday, where she hoped for her school, PLMGSS, to finish at least in the top 3.

It was kinda strange for the three of us to be cramped into my smallish little single room, but they wanted to watch tv while playing. Hanna seemed a nice kid, and wasn't as frenetic and expressive as beth. Both of us teased beth about it a few times that day, which was funny.

Been noticing that Joe's blogs have become more personal, as has Beth's actually.
Me? Nah. Maybe next time.

Introspection

2004-03-13T04:39:00.000+08:00

The beginning of the end.

Busy week partly because of the COE exhibition and also cos I've been slogging away on my one-week overdue fyp draft. Turns out I have to hand in my final report to the moderator by the deadline specified. Well my prof has been pretty lax about the deadlines, and as a result, so have I. But I don't think the moderator will be so kind...

Have been slogging away til 6am every night and thus have been late everyday for the COE exhibition by at least 20 minutes. Even missed the free lunch on Friday, which my fyp partner said was very good. Also have been skipping lunch everyday this past week, although I've noticed that I'm getting fatter (past the 60kg mark). Still very unhealthy to eat only one meal a day. Have been eating instant noodles for supper, and praying hard for my scrabble mobile to return. I think I never treasured her while she was still around. Now that she's gone, I regret mistreating her. *sob*

As mentioned on bozo's blog, the two of us were caught swimming at the pool. Hmm I remember seeing security guards on three occassions before, btu this is the first time the guard actually bothered to climb over. Friendly chap though, who told us he'd let us off with a warning. Kept talkiing about how others had also used the pool, including a bunch of two girls and two guys that he had to chase around once. Still caught them eventually of course.

Went chionging on Friday again, but perhaps should have stayed in hall. Really tired throughout and didn't even dance. Met Ah Beng there, who was my year one classmate. Haven't seen him in a bit. Beth went missing midway through the night and spent half an hour frantically searching for her. Turns out she went with guoxin to 7-11. Could've like told someone.

Anyhow, after that went outside for a while to take a breather. It must've been pretty obvious that I was tired and maybe not really enjoying myself cos Hongwei, Hsiaowei and Zhihong all mentioned something like that to me. Hongwei even said it a few times I think. Well guess they were right. Melancholy is nice sometimes, cos at least u can't feel any worse than that. Then again 'suicide is painless', it brings on many changes.

Will have to start studying soon, so I guess will be busy like forever. Or at least until the end of the school term. Time flies. Okie gotta sleep now... Beth just came up, couldn't sleep in her room.

Synchronicity.

2004-03-09T17:43:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged in a couple of days cos I've been rushing my fyp stuff. Basically I worked non-stop over the weekend to finish what I had 3 months to complete. Oh well. Lots of calculations and ended up with 120 pages of analysis which will probably end up in my report appendix. Then realised that for complete analysis probably have to repeat 5 times so may end up with 600 page appendix. But probably no time to do liao. Have to fake the other results maybe.

Career Fair

Went to career fair at Suntec on Saturday with Evarn, which basically had too many institutions offering degree and diploma courses for my liking. I went there to look for ways to earn money, not ways to spend money. The Engineering section had mainly semi-conductor fabricators, which weren't really my cup of tea. Then again, engineering isn't my cup of tea either.
Saw a few familiar faces there too, including Hsiaowei, Wee Lee and Jiapei. Hadn't seen Wee Lee in a long time.

The Lost Weekend

Had a terrible weekend stuck in hall doing my fyp non-stop. Luckily many ppl were around too. Seng Yong didn't go home for some reason, and Norman too, who came over to get some instant noodles Saturday night. I passed him my last Tung-I packet, which I'd recommend to anyone... Good Stuff, which along with Chu Qian Yi-DIng (CQYD) represent the finest instant noodles around.

Also went running with Alvin on Saturday night, who was polite enough to say that I wasn't the slowest runner he'd ever run with. White lies are always comforting. Also saw Roy and his cute little hamster. Want to rear one but can't even take proper care of my poor fishies. They look bored but happy though. Happy Fish. Talked to Tong also, who'd had his network cut for two weeks, and had just found out that his roomie's network was also cut when Tong was using it. Must be bad luck, no Network, dunno what he'd be doing over the weekend.

Manic Monday

Started raining on Monday as I was walking to school with Joe and Thomas. Went to print some stuff with Joe and then went to check out the Nanyang Audithorium where the COE exhibition was being held. My booth was empty but we had noting to exhibit anyway. Luckily ours wasn't the only empty one.

Rained even heavier on the way back, so decided to take shuttle bus back with my FYP partner. Never occurred to me that I'd left my umbrella in the computer lab til later that night. Well, the umbrella was Roy's anyway. Shouldn't have told him about it cos he himself hadn't realised. Honesty has no rewards it seems, and even Roy told me I was being too honest.
Hmm, shan't return him an umbrella then.

COE Exhibition

Bad start on Tuesday. Woke up late, then as I was going to school got a call from my FYP mate that shirt and tie was required for presenters at the COE thingy. Prof Habib wasn't allowing anyone not in a shirt and tie to enter the audit. Yikes! Told my partner to handle the booth first, I'd go there later when the public was allowed in.

Felt sorry for my partner as it turned out he was there the whole day cos I had to go for lessons in the afternoon. Well, our prof hadn't forwarded the COE email regarding dress codes so I suppose there's somewhere I can deflect the blame too. At least that's what I told my partner.
On a brighter note, It seems ours wasn't the plainest booth. Yes, there were worse. One stall only had a poster laid across the table.

Syndromes.

2004-03-06T19:09:00.000+08:00

Bloggy Itch.

Haven't blogged for like 4 days, during which I also haven't been able to update my Scrabble Saga. Episode 5 is an insightful entry though, and explains why Pearly was subsequently ostracised by the scrabble team. Unforgivable what she did, but worse was to come. Will try to update as soon as I'm free from my FYP shackles.

John has a new bloggy website here which is a pretty interesting read. We'd just mentioned our little scrabble team bloggies to him on Wednesday night during our drinking session with Bozo, Joe and Kee Heng. He seems to write the blogs kinda the same way he'd tell the stories. Hmm, maybe I should do that too. I guess I already do.

John's been chronicling the futsal tourney and IH games kinda like my scrabble saga... pretty interesting stuff there too. Yep he was an excellent rec sec last year, better than this years. Always stayed around during trainings, just like Zhihong and Guotai, and Johnny before my time. Well I'm sure all the rec players appreciated John's efforts, so chin up John. At least I did. Had a weak team last year and barely managed to reach the semis... (Another tale for another day...)

Hall Bash!

Anyhow, the hall bash at China Black (formerly known as Venom, before that Studebakers) on Thurs night started off rather slowly, as we had gone down early. Me, Mulian, Chun and John went done first cos Chun didn't want Leon to wait too long after his IA. Bozo couldn't get his ass off his bed in tie so he caught a later taxi, with Guoxing and Zix. really his own fault, tsk tsk. But i guess he was tired from fyp.

As usual, started playing cai quan (guess number) as more ppl arrived. Off-form at first, kenna made to drink about 10 times in a row by Max. Danny also, but I guess he didn't mind. Max kept saying it was revenge cos I made beth drink a lot last time at SOS. Hmpf. Well got back at her later by playing one-on-one cai quan with her. She lost 8-9 times more than me. Girls are so predictable. Felt a little guilty cos she prob over-drank. Ah well.

Started dancing once retro started playing. Danced on the high platform for a quite a while. Hoped nobody was looking, cos I'm a pretty bad dancer me thinks. Zix and Beth, and Danny, with his synchronized hand gestures are much better. Probably danced a couple (2?) hours straight, then went upstairs to play pool with Seryang and Adrian. Seryang looked bored. Doesn't chiong much, apparently, only second time ever, according to him.

Many of the girls were high, including Xiuwen, Xiaobin, Maxine, Beth and Mulian. Lichun was ok. The real scene was when Max started crying for some reason on the bus back. Guess it was the alcohol, as eric was passing out free house pours toward the end. Wee Teck was even worse and had to be carried back to his room. John helped to carry Xiuwen up too.

Xiaobin and Max were pretty gone when they got back, Max especially, sober one minute, uncontrollably emotional the next. Poor val had to sleep in bozo's room cos she misplaced her room keys. Or maybe it's poor bozo who had to sleep on the floor. (I'm guessing) Me? I made sure Beth was ok and in her bed then went up to chat with Chun who was still awake and sober.

Could still hear Wee Teck moaning in his room while we were chatting... Norman was also pissed for some reason. Naughty Chun later went to disturb poor Kee Heng who had stayed behind and was doing his fyp. I think playing with his violin was the last straw for Kee Heng. Hmm, if Chun is like that when she's sober, lucky she didn't get drunk.

OK, that was it. Went to bathe and slept at 6am.

Reminiscence.

2004-03-03T14:21:00.000+08:00

Was reading Joe's post on how things have changed since IHRG. (and they live happily ever after) Can't disagree much with what he said (surprisingly), and will provide more details on the bonding, friendships, true colours and blossoming loves on my Scrabble Saga bloggy.

However, I think the post seems a little pessimistic (even for me). I too sometimes wondered why I was still playing IH, especially at the worst of times, when our team seemed to be crumbling. I felt guilty persuading Joe not to quit, although I could see that he truly enjoyed the game, certainly wouldn't have otherwise. Always thought it weird that anyone would put effort into Scrabble, but maybe I over-stereotype ppl and situations.

Ya he's right that we should be spending time with our partners, but for my case, we've both been really busy (I was going to say she mostly, but that isn't really fair), without an end in sight. Even pockets of time seem hard to come by, can't recall the last time we had a proper meal outside (or even inside?), but there I go nitpicking again. I hope I'm exagerating.

Strange that he'd put it that way, only single guy of the three singles players. Well I'm sure your better half will fall into your arms someday, you'll just have to be ready to catch her, although your main priority should be studies, ditto the rest of us.
Anyhow this post is getting a little too personal and..., I'll stop now.

Necessities.

2004-03-03T13:53:00.000+08:00

Tuesday.

Had lunch with Anson, Joe, John, Thomas and Weixiong at Can 9 as usual. Those fellas were talking bout Warcraft (play it everyday apparently). Sounds interesting, but can't play it myself, primarily cos my PC sucks, low memory. Haven't the time to play anyway or remedy my PC. I'd probably suck at it, although a few 42 guys have told me it doesn't matter, just join them. Maybe after fyp then. See how.

Went down to the medical centre to get my medical review stamped (Doc forgot to the first time), which was pretty fast. Passed Joe and bozo the remaining agreement forms and then snail-mailed the bunch to aceglobal. That was it, now basically just waiting for the replies from USA.

7pm: Went to JP for dinner with Evarn and Adrian. Evarn's got a car and it reminded me of poor scrabble-mobile, sob ;'-(. Ate mac's even though the ice-cream dispenser was out - no free oreo ice cream for us students! Bought groceries too, mostly snacks, since no more car for late-night suppers.

Shortly after I came back (at 9pm+), bozo jioed me for a run and swim. Couldn't keep up I thought, so I vetoed the run part. Bozo isn't a big fan of running either so swim it was (at 12am+). Still can't coordinate my breathing to swim well, but being in the pool was soothing nonetheless.

Got back to my room (at round 2am) and got icqed by Adrian saying they were cooking supper. Couldn't resist free food so accepted their invite. Took my time in going though (as usual) and got there about 245am. How inconsiderate of me. Cooked mushroom soup and taiwan sausage. (basically I just watched them cook - there was only space for 2 chefs) Watched some dumb HK comedy while we ate, then went back to my room to sleep.

Alpha-bethic

2004-03-02T18:19:00.000+08:00

La-di-da.

I was going to recount what happened yesterday when we went down to aceglobal to submit our forms but bozo beat me to it here. (read 'Another Night Another Day'). Please note that some of the stuff in his article isn't very accurate, especially the part where he says that i'm deaf and mute. I'm obviously not.

Couple of things I noticed that day: What's with the name 'gythrie ramalingam'?
really wanted to ask her directly why she had that unique surname. Maybe could've been subtle, like "hmm, you're a Rammalingam, is that Teochew or Hokkien?" or "Is Rammalingam your maiden name?"... ok, maybe the second one's a bit sarcastic.

Another thing is that they serve nice chewy sweets in their office. I wonder why to buy them from... and Subway sure tastes good, the cookies too... yummy. A bit ex though. My food recommendation isn't that bad... Been a fan of Subway for quite a while and i've collected at least 20+ coupons. Bozo liked it...

And yes, Joe left us to watch big fish with the alpha males. Apparently alpha males dun really like 'thinking movies' and prefer films where the entire plot can be summarized in 2 lines and where, everythin, even the most obvious is sledgehammered into the viewer's cranium. Guess Lost in Translation wouldn't be suitable either... (IMHO it's a good film tho)

Joe commented that Chinese educated ppl are less likely to enjoy subtle films. I think that's a stereotype, although most Chinese films are either dumb comedies or plotless action movies. Of course I'm being biased here, as I seldom watch Chinese films. Still I'm not that far off.

Probably explains why channel 8 can get away with overacting whereas subtlety would be prefered when it comes to channel 5 viewers. Do our mediacorp writers really believe that a character has to cry out loud to show sadness, laugh out loud to show joy and flail his arms/bang tables to show anger? Geez I suppose they never heard of natural acting.

Okie enough ranting.

Obscurity.

2004-03-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

Went downtown to watch House of Sand and Fog with Beth last night. Was supposed to watch Big Fish, but had to catch the last train back to hall. Yes, we all miss the Scrabble Mobile.

Theatre was only 1/4 full, which was perhaps due to both the timing (Sunday night) of the movie and the serious subject matter.

Basically the house in the movie serves as a metaphor for one's basic needs and unattainable dreams. Cultural conflicts arise when the original owner of the house (played by Jennifer Conelly) tries to explain to the new Iranian owner (played by Ben Kingsley) how important repossessing the house is to her.

Nothing in the film is represented as purely black and white and all parties in the film have to accept blame for the tragic events that result at the end. Despite the fact that the entire mood of the film was heavy and melancholic to begin with, and that the bleak ending came as no surprise, Beth cried a full 10-minutes and I, too shed a tear or two.

A terse heart-wrenching final 20-minutes concluded a brilliant film filled with brilliant performances all-round especially from Oscar-Nominated Iranian actress Shoreh Aghdashloo who plays the owner's wife, and Sir Ben Kingsley, similarly nominated. Jennifer Conelly seems to have a knack for picking serious films with gut-wrenching finales, having starred in Requiem for a Dream (2000) as well.

Caught the second-to-last train at 1135pm, and bought supper at 7-11 back to hall. Planned to sleep early that night cos the oscars were on the following morning. ROTK was a deserving favorite to win the big prize.

On a side note, the next episodes of The Scrabble Saga are up. Enjoy.

Cantemus (Part 3): The Concert

2004-02-29T18:34:00.000+08:00

Here's my review of the concert:

Began Tepidly, guess they were warming up. The TKGS choir's appearance drew exurbriant cheers from beth (she's from TKGS choir too). Nearly fell asleep during the first few performances, but that's just me, no offence intended.

Mister Sandman sounded nice. Apparently the song has to be arranged. Always thought they could just use the Chordette's version wholesale. Guess not. The Prayer and One Voice were also palatable. Was told 'One Voice' is a Barry Manilow song. Hmm dun really know that one. Coppacobana would've sounded better. I like that song.

During the intermission, beth and I went backstage where she reminisced on her TKGS choir days.

The performances improved after the break, with the NTU alumni showing their experience with brilliant renditions of Don McLean's Vincent and Kina Shohkichi's Hana. Ricky was performing here and gave us a wink to show his appreciation.
Actually I kinda prefer Don McLean's sparser original version of Vincent. But since Clay Aiken and Josh Groban have already ruined the song, I shan't comment too negatively. Hana sounded kinda like SukiYaki, which is nice.

Next up was the musical section, where the choir incorporated story into the songs, broadway style. The choreography was impressive throughout the 5songs. Virginia company was up first, nbut since I had given Pocahontas a miss, I wasn't really into it.

America was next, from Rodgers and Hammersteins' West Side Story (1961). Brilliant movie musical, which begins with 10 mins of pure music ('America' is played in the background, with the volume slowly increasing). 10 oscars it won that year, really deserved them. too bad Natalie Wood died so young (43 in 1981).

The choir put on an excellent attempt to mimc the Jerome Robbins choreography, but came up short, given the mammoth task. Good effort though. Somewhere Out there also brought back memories of Steven Spielberg's An American Tail (1986). Cute cartoon.

Big Spendor was done cabaret style, Bob Fosse (brilliant choreographer, see All that Jazz (1979) and Cabaret(1972)) style to be exact. (think Chicago)
It brought the house down, fittingly, with the sexy poses and suggestive gestures. Musical ended with the little known Let's Begin Again, which also ended the concert.

Two (they really improved this year it seems) Encores followed, much to the delight of the rapturous audience. All in all $12 well spent, I suppose. Didn't know Ricky was such a good singer. and Hwee Mei too, although, she didn't join the choir in this, her final year.

Still had America chiming in my ears on the way back home. Have to buy the West Side Story DVD when I have the opportunity.

Cantemus (Part 2): On the Way there

2004-02-29T17:22:00.000+08:00

Left hall at 630pm, had to reach Victoria theatre by 715pm. (Yes I knew I'd be late, but bad habits die hard) Was told by Hwee Mei that we had to reach early to get good seats, free seating. She was the one who had kinda badgered me into going after all, so I guess she could afford to wait a few minutes. Hmm, that was a little impolite of me.

Met De Wei on the MRT there, he was gng home to Tampines for the weekend. Chatted with him the entire way there, touching on various topics, among which was hall commitment by the JCRC. Would've gone into further detail, but realised that he was the JCRC A-Hon Gen after all. Mentioned that the Colours Award Board this year could've been more professional.

Reached Raffles Place MRT at 720pm, and met beth, who was holding a large sunflower, which was meant to be a gift for Ricky, who was performing. "You owe me $2.60", she blurted. It seems the sunflower was a gift from her, me and Hwee Mei. Was thinking "Ricky had better give a good performance, then".

Only a fashionable 15 minutes late, just in time as they had just opened the main doors. Hwee Mei was still waiting for Jiang Pern after all. Took our seats and waited patiently for the concert to begin at 8pm.

Cantemus (Part 1): Lunch at Extension

2004-02-29T17:01:00.000+08:00

Back to conventional blogging.

Woke up early yesterday morning (considering I slept at 6am the night before) at 11am. Read through the New Paper I had bought the day before then went extension to eat with Thomas, Joe and Cylum. New hawker stalls had sprouted out at what used to be McDonald's.

Wanted to try the 'traditional' Yong Tau Fu, but it was only opening on the 1st. The BBQ chicken wings weren't ready either so I decided to order pig's organ soup from the old stalls instead. Hmm, Thomas and Bozo's Hainanese chicken rice looked tastier.
The grass is always greener on the other side it seems.

Was reading bozo's new paper on the way back when Thomas, who was reading over my shoulder, commented that I was just flipping through the papers. Well, I was just reading the headlines; and it was the New Paper anyway, whose articles aren't even worth the paper it's printed on.
Thomas always comments on how I do things. Wonder why.

Went back to take an short nap. Had to leave for choir concert that evening.

The Scrabble Saga

2004-02-28T17:50:00.000+08:00

I have decided to publish my account on the turmoil the Hall 8 Scrabble team went through here.
Please feel free to leave your comments.

Absolution.

2004-02-28T15:43:00.000+08:00

First real journal entry of the blog.

Friday night (yesterday). Had only two hours of sleep the night before (was rushing a lab assignment), but still went down to Newsroom Bar.

Was supposed to leave at 9pm+, but was told by Zhiqi and Xiuwen that we had to wait for Suk Mei to return. So decided to watch a couple of episodes of 'Curb Your Enthusiam' that I had downloaded. Alvin walked past as I was watching and joined me too. Pretty funny series whcih has the creator of Seinfeld, Larry David, playing himself. Pretty similar to Seinfeld as such.

Had to leave Alvin behind when it was time to go. Left hall at about 11pm, with Kelvin in a cab. Was talking about how SAO (Student Affairs Office) sucked in its mismanagement of Hall Allocations this year. It seems the SAO had underestimated the tremendous response, and was not expecting that many people to queue overnight for the second-round Hostel allotments.
Oh well. What else is new.

Was served plenty of Bourbon coke, principally by bozo, when we arrived. Bourbon coke's awful, IMHO (in my honest opinion), and makes you want to puke. Bleah, thank goodness the music was good. Retro mostly, with a couple of really classic songs. Prince's When Doves Cry (1984) for one. Could have danced more, but was pooped soon after, at about 2am. Really tired, had to take a short nap. Left at 3am when the bar closed.

Went down to 179 for supper then back to hall. Started talking to Leon and bozo about IA (Industrial Attachment), and how University certificates are only good for getting you to an interview. Everything after that depends on how you present yourself.
Unfair? depends on your perspective.

Also touched a bit on how ridiculous the Singapore political system is. We call ourselves a democracy, and yet power is monopolised by the PAP (People's Action Party). In the end, the people are to blame as well, because they simply accept all the government's policies.
Talk is cheap.

Zix joined us slightly later to tell us about his IA experience. Pretty interesting, apparent he got along very well with everyone in his company.
Went to sleep after bathing, which was close to 6am.

Apparations.

2004-02-27T15:54:00.000+08:00

Quid pro quid.

How does one describe Joe?

Stubborn, anal and a little niao at times, Joe has an independant streak which means he does whatever he wants most of the times. A loyal and helpful friend nonetheless, he's a better listener than a talker. Another hard nut to crack. Although I've had long insightful conversations with him before.

Without him, we would never have won anything at Scrabble and Boggle this year. I am both surprised and grateful that he decided to join last year and that he stayed depite the turmoil. For this I personally will be eternally grateful. He certainly deserves more credit from Hall 8, but I feel that material rewards are overrated.

And by the way, his description of me is on his blog (dated 27 Feb 2004) is highly inaccurate.

Hairy Fish.

2004-02-27T14:29:00.000+08:00

Less rambling more coherence.

These personality quizzes are pretty cute.
You should try them too.

1) Which Hobbit Are You?

I'm a Frodo.
"You are most like: Frodo You are a great leader and a good friend. You are also VERY possessive. Sure, you get a bit angsty at times, but we all do every once in awhile. So relax and try not to be so possessive."
Highly Inaccurate me thinks.

2) I'm a Dory also.

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Once again, highly inaccurate.

Inconsonance.

2004-02-27T13:55:00.000+08:00

Dark precipitous cloud hover over my disparate being as I trudge helplessly into the cataclysmic unknown. The piquant scent of doom emerges conspicuously from the crevices in the harsh crannied earth, foreshadowing the impending accession of inevitability.
Desolate and forlorn, invariably hankering elusive sanguineness and unmerited redemption, I persevere.

Habbe Con Ella.

2004-02-27T11:20:00.001+08:00

Veinte-septimo Febrero Dos Mil Cero Cero Cuatro

Sodot orabajt y on ouegj raceh aotj nu ombotade ohicc. Todos trabajo y no juego hacer el jota un embotado chico. Todos trabajo brillo y no juego hacer jota un embotado chico. Todos diecenueve trabajo y no juego hacer jota un embotado chico. Todos trabajo y no juego hacer jota un embotado ochenta chico. Todos trabajo y no juego pelicula hacer jota un embotado chico. Todos trabajo y no juego hacer jota ver un embotado chico. Todos trabajo y no lo juego hacer jota un embotado chico.